OK, Lanceketeers! Let's start a new drinking game, based on the(unfortunately) soon-to-be-hit new movie G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra! It's easy, all you have to do is shout "Yo, Joe!" and take a swig of whatever you have handy every time the flick either sets up or plays out a standard action film cliche.
Does the fact that one team member saving his pal's life mean that eventually the pal must see through the payback and make sure his buddy gets home safe? Yo, Joe!
Is the guy who seems to be the clown of the group going to do something utterly and inarguably heroic to save the day at the climax of the film? Yo, Joe!
Is the only sexy female member of the team going to eventually come around to finding herself attracted to the insufferable clown who's lusted after her all this time, near the climactic action scene? Yo, Joe!
Is the silent ninja-type hero going to find a measure of peace for all the pain he's endured? Yo, Joe!
Are the battles between the good guys and bad guys going to cause so much property damage that it would bankrupt most civilized nations to even attempt to rebuild their priceless architecture? Yo, Joe!
Are the "good guys" not going to give a flying f**k about all the civilians who are being decimated and killed, while they carry out their job to chase and(hopefully) catch the bad guys? Yo, Joe!
Speaking of bankruptcy, are the bases for both the good guys and the bad guys going to be so fantastically elaborate, that no human being could possibly build them and A)Be able to keep their construction/location a secret and B)Even be able to afford to build them in the first place? Double Yo Joe, baby!
Hhhh...w-what was I saying? Seriously, I...I'm feeling a little woozy here, people...man, that's some good Heineken... whooo...
All kidding aside though, I was actually thisclose to recommending you see this film...until the second half of the movie hit, and I decided that I needed to turn my brain back on, otherwise it would asphyxiate.
It's hard to say that G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is an altogether bad film, because it's not. As far as summer blockbuster films go, it fulfills its mission like a good little soldier: it's purely mindless(and how!) escapist fun with a lot of bang-bang-shoot-'em-up and gee-whiz explosions. Toss in a couple of hot babes wearing outfits that would cut off circulation so as to inspire some fantasy material for the young males out there, and you're all set. I was actually able to power down my brain for most of the film and enjoy it, to a degree.
The problem though, is that G.I. Joe takes itself way too seriously. It doesn't see itself as just a disposable action flick; it tries to think of itself as being on par with the seriousness of The Dark Knight or being engaging enough as the first Star Wars, when it doesn't realize that it's just based on some toys. Yo, Joe...sorry, but as a film, you'll just never be as popular as your cousins the Transformers, who were also spawned by Hasbro(even the company's logo takes itself too seriously on screen!)
The movie starts off in the 17th Century, where a traitor to the Scottish crown is being convicted for selling arms to both sides during a war. Cut to several centuries later--or as the title card tells us, "The not too distant future"--and a group of soldiers are transporting war heads utilizing a new type of nanotechnology that eats through metal to their base. They're ambushed by an advanced attack squad led by The Baroness(Sienna Miller), intent on stealing the weapons. The Baroness and her people are stopped at the last instant by the arrival of Heavy Duty(Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje...and no, I'm not spelling his name again, since I almost broke two fingers doing it!), Snake Eyes(Ray Park), Scarlett(Rachel Nichols) and their backup team of likewise heavily outfitted roughnecks. The two original soldiers who survived the attack--Ripcord(Marlon Wayans) and Duke(Channing Tatum), who actually knows the Baroness)--are taken back to a secret base. It is there they are introduced to General Hawk(Dennis Quaid), who recruits and trains them on a trial basis as members of G.I. Joe, an elite team comprised of soldiers hand-picked from around the world who utilize advanced tech to take down enemy forces.
Unknown to the Joes, the enemy forces this time are being led by James McCullen(Christopher Eccleston), the arms dealer and head honcho of the Mars weapons development corporation. His initial scheme is to make the world nations think they're under attack by unknown forces, so that his ultimate plan can be put into effect. I won't reveal what the ultimate plan is of course, except to say that it is quite clever...unfortunately, neither director Stephen Sommers(Van Helsing, the Mummy series) nor his writers Stuart Beattie(30 Days of Night, Shutter), David Elliot(Nothing Sacred, Four Brothers), Paul Lovett(only prior credit: Four Brothers) and Michael Gordon(only prior credit: 300) are clever enough to keep the audience from guessing what that master plan is, until at least 10 minutes of the film have passed.
It also doesn't help that such an incompetent writing team attempts to give each character a backstory, all of which are not only cliched to the extreme, but only serve to display how shallow each character is that's involved with the overall story. Honestly, each "character" is so paper thin, it's amazing they don't just pick up and blow away like paper on the wind. The heroes do nothing but jump from one set piece to another, and do more harm than good everywhere they go, making sure they keep themselves safe as they dodge bullets and missiles shot at them by the bad guys, but screw the poor civilians in the cars that are driving by and being exploded by said projectiles! Honestly, when the chase/fight scene in Paris begins, I was having flashbacks to Team America: World Police. As a matter of fact, I think I'd prefer to have Team America watching out for us instead of the Joes!
The CGI in the film is only effective half the time: when it's up close and personal, having to do with the Accelerator Suits given to Duke and Ripcord for example, it's fine. Any time a ship of some sort is placed on screen however, feel free to yell out "fake!" as you start another drinking game. While the hand-to-hand fight scenes are well choreographed, the writers seem to have forgotten during the attack on the Joes' headquarters, that if you create invincible soldiers who don't feel pain or fear, perhaps you shouldn't have one screaming as they fall down a long shaft!
The film seems to be almost a who's who of actors that should be doing better films(Eccleston, Miller, Ray Park, Brandon Soo Hoo, Arnold Vosloo, Said Taghmaoui, even Jonathan Pryce...a Welsh playing an American president, and barely able to disguise his accent at that), while making the uninformed mistake of casting losers like Wayans, Tatum and Quaid, the last saying each of his lines as if even he doesn't believe them. There's even an amazingly random cameo by Brendan Fraser(The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor, The Air I Breathe), who like Quaid, also tries to macho up enough to seem like a battle-hardened soldier, but who just manages to come off as laughable in the few seconds he's on screen.
Sadly, while the first half of G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is a fairly serviceable film, it is truly the second half, with its bland plot twists, cringe-inducing acting, and mega-jump into over-the-top hilarity which undoes it. It's a shame, because like I said at the start of this review, I almost recommended it.
Better luck next time, Joe.
Check Your Brain At The Door
Yes, you can enjoy G.I. Joe --but it goes down easier with a partial lobotomy, first...
A real American zero: It starts with the story's downward spiral, and everything just gets worse from there...
Team America: Left to right are Tatum, Quaid, Taghmaoui, Nichols and Wayans, honor bound to protect the U.S. God help us all.
"Get out, girl--it's the 21st Century! What do you mean, we're going to share a tamer interracial screen kiss than Kirk did with Uhura in the original Star Trek?!"
"Wow! I've never seen a helmet with tactical displays like this in any film before{cough! Iron Man, cough!}"
Feel free to insert Star Wars' "Duel of the Fates" music here.
"Wait--don't leave! I've got the good script here! Waaiiiit--!"
Wheeee--oh wait, I mean...Aaaiiieeeeee--!!
Arnold Vosloo(right, rear) looks around in bewilderment, thinking "But wait--I'm a good actor! Why am I here again--?"
