The new slasher flick Sorority Row is quite the surprise for me. As expected, it's not really that great a film...but I don't hate it, I don't even really dislike it all that much. Shockingly, there are much worse films out now{cough! Halloween 2! cough!}, and so Sorority Row doesn't even come close to earning a spot on my year-end Top 5 Worst list.
The reason for sparing it isn't because of all the T&A on display in this R-rated slashfest...and there's an ample supply, including a brief full-frontal by co-star Jamie Chung(Samurai Girl, Dragonball Evolution). It's certainly not because of the cast, who aside from a sad cameo by the underappreciated Carrie Fisher(if you don't know what film series she's starred in, it's just a sad state of affairs) and co-star Briana Evigan(House of the Damned, Step Up 2: The Streets), who are the only ones to inject any life into this tepid potboiler.
No, the reason Sorority Row is being spared a full thrashing is because like Shoot 'Em Up and Death Sentence --both of which are films far superior to this, given what they are--it simply does what it sets out to do: display a lot of T&A, show hot girls being bitchy, and delivering a worthy bloody body count to justify showing Chung's cootchie along with its R rating. Rather than have any pretentions to any greater significance like the trashbin-worthy Whiteout, this film pretty much acknowledges its worthlessness as a cultural item and rolls with it, even managing to be less offensive in its gratuitousness, because it knows that unlike Beckinsale's grin-and-bear it scene, this flick isn't much more than a boobs-n-blood show. Sorority Row is like the sideshow huckster, or one of those guys who used to stand on the corner of a pre-Giuliani 42nd Street handing out flyers to strip clubs with a wide grin, knowing that yeah, you sorta find the idea repulsive, but the words "live, nude girls" still sounds tantalizing.
And I can live with that, I guess, because at least the film's honest about itself.
As written by Josh Stolberg and Pete Goldfinger(Phantom Investigators) and directed by Stewart Hendler(The Closet, Seeds), this remake of 1983's The House on Sorority Row plays out like every single teen slasher flick that's ever existed. In the beginning, there are six cardboard cutout characters: Uber-bitch and leader Jessica(Leah Pipes), token minority Claire(Jamie Chung), superslut Chugs(Margo Harshman), borderline normal girl Cassidy(Briana Evigan), undefined morals girl/first victim Megan(Audrina Patridge) and The Virgin Ellie(Rumer Willis...yes, the untalented daughter of Bruce and Demi). The six are leaders and seniors in the Theta Pi sorority house, home to some 50 impossibly hot nubile girls. Seriously, if Al-Qaeda chose to target all the hot girls in Hollywood's version of America, they could pretty much find them all at Theta Pi.
Megan has discovered that her boyfriend Garrett(Matt O'Leary) has been cheating on her, and so after the breakup, plots revenge with her sisters. This leads to what is pretty much the most repulsive line in the film, wherein one of the girls states that having someone slip a roofie into their drink isn't so bad, because "you have great sex, and you get a good nap in". Classy. Hopefully, this won't inspire anyone of either sex to believe anything that mind-bendingly stupid.
Unfortunately(or fortunately, depending on how much you want these girls to die...turns out in my case, the answer is much) the prank also leads to Megan accidentally being killed by her boyfriend at an abandoned steel mill, and thus to avoid prison, the group chooses to keep the murder a secret and never speak of it again. Because the primary pledge in Theta Pi is "Honor, Loyalty, Respect, Secrecy and Solidarity". A pledge which is stupidly repeated later at a public farewell speech by Jessica to parents and faculty, right after publicly mourning Megan, who "mysteriously" has been missing for eight months. Jessica's a blonde, by the way...not that that should have any stereotypical bearing on her character or anything.
Shortly afterward, the girls all receive simultaneous cell phone pics of a hooded figure holding the bloody tire iron which was used to kill Megan. Fearful their utter stupidity might be exposed, the girls try to track down the person they believe is responsible, although this task becomes harder as they are soon executed one by one. The last girls left on the case are Jessica(bitch), Cassidy(reluctant partner in crime who wishes they had gone to the cops in the first place) and Ellie(the virgin). Along the way, they are helped at one point by Mrs. Crenshaw(Carrie Fisher), the cathouse madam--I mean, house mom. Right? Although it's truly a sad state of affairs that Ms. Fisher has fallen so far from starring in That Movie Series You Should Know to appearing in this, she does in fact deliver the absolute best line in the movie, which I won't spoil here.
One thing about Sorority Row however, which is a bit discomforting; the film does in fact hate women. It's very subtle, very sly. Yes, the premise of a slasher stalking a girls' sorority is just a flimsy excuse for a T&A show...but Sorority Row is somewhat insidious in the manner in which it's presented. The manner of dress you see in the last picture on the immediate right is the standard way in which the girls appear through 90% of the film. With the exceptions of Cassidy, Ellie, Mrs. Crenshaw and a select few older women making appearances, every single female in the film is a vapid slut, with virtually no morals, inhibitions of any kind, or display any personal umbrage at being labeled as sluts. The reason the girls act this way is because their one-note characters are designed to be that way. And of course, in a town like Hollywood where ageism is part of the norm, elder women like Crenshaw are not allowed to be sexual in the slightest, because like meat left out of the cooler, they are assumed to be past their expiration date. In spite of the jokes placed under some of these photos(which underscore the intent of the film), these are terrible ideals to bestow in young women: "keep your legs open as much as possible in order to enjoy life and get what you want, but as soon as you hit 30, forget about it because you're of no use." Sad.
Again however, in spite of this shamelessness, I can't fully advise you to stay away from Sorority Row or fault it for being what it is: simple, mindless entertainment that knows it'll be forgotten at the box office by next weekend...but it's content to keep its legs open for now, because it just wants to enjoy the ride.
Ditz Fest
Sisters for life...and death...or until they grow brains in their heads. Ahhh...death'll come first.
Left to right are Jessica(Pipes), Claire(Chung), Cassidy(Evigan) and Ellie(Willis). These are our heroines...God help us all.
"And in addition to mourning our missing friend--who we totally did NOT murder!--I'd just like to say that Theta Slutta Backdoor Pi is now celebrating its first official year without an out-of-wedlock pregnancy!"
"C'mon you guys, help me out! I've got a date with this boy in like, 30 minutes, and I've gotta figure out the meaning of that riddle he gave me: 'does the carpet match the curtains'?!"
Come on, seriously...how can a scene like this not contain some lesbianism in it? Or a pillow fight...or some lesbianism?
