Congratulations, Warner Brothers: You've just placed another nominee on the chopping block for my Top 5 worst films of the year list.
Whiteout, the new movie based on the 1998 comic book--and a production which has changed studios on more than one occasion--comes to theaters as the most useless, pointless waste of time, second only to Post Grad. This film is such an absolute waste of the precious seconds of your life, that literally ANYTHING else you could do with your time would be more constructive. Tripping and falling down the stairs, breaking your leg in two places along the way, would be a more constructive use of your time. Seriously. There is just no way in hell that anyone connected to this project--especially the actors--could have signed on because they thought the script had artistic merit, or it could be a chance to expand their acting range. Make no mistake, this is a paycheck/gotta pay my mortgage/buy a new car type of film, and every single person associated with this had to be blinded by dollar signs or the fake snow they had to shoot in.
The alleged movie begins in 1957, with a Russian cargo plane flying over the southern hemisphere, with a precious container onboard protected by three soldiers. The two pilots plan to assassinate the soldiers and take the cargo, but as the co-pilot attempts to distract them with a proferred bottle of vodka and then shoot them, the plan goes awry and everyone pretty much ends up shooting everyone else dead and the plane crashes into the antarctic wasteland. Now, you know things are already wrong with the script by Jon and Erich Hoeber(only previous credit: 1998's Montana. They haven't worked since then, and reading this review will tell you why) when two things are already skiffy, logicwise: A)Instead of attempting to shoot the guards, why not just poison the vodka and B)Apparently back in 1957, the Russians hadn't yet discovered that you don't discharge a weapon in an airplane!
Of course, with the shaky, pedestrian direction by Dominic Sena(only two film credits: 1993's Kalifornia and 2001's Swordfish...again, this review will show the court why he hasn't worked steadily in film either), it's no wonder the story begins so lamely. Things happen in Whiteout not because they make any sense, as real stories do...they happen because it's what the director needs to happen. And that is no way to tell a tale.
The story then picks up in modern Antarctica, at a U.S. base where Carrie Stetko(Kate Beckinsale) serves as the only marshall/law in the area, mainly to keep the peace on a day-to-day basis and because she's wracked with self-doubt over an incident back when she worked as a cop in Miami. Director Sena, in fact, treats us to so many flashbacks to Carrie's memory of the exact same scene over and over and over again, that after the fifth time(not joking!), the audience could care less about what happened in Miami, and is on the verge of screaming "get on with it!" The revelation as to what happened with Carrie is so meaningless, it seems snatched from a character point initiated in the first five minutes of a pilot for any cop program you've ever watched. Sadly, the final "twist" in the script carries just as much resonance, which is to say: zero.
I once joked in a review that Kate Beckinsale(Click, the Underworld trilogy) and her doppleganger Rhona Mitra are so similar in appearance and the roles they choose, that they're completely interchangeable as actresses. Well, as if to prove once and for all that the two are unique individuals, Sena treats us to a 100% absolutely gratuitous shot of Beckinsale stripping down to her crisp white panties and bra. And boy, does Beckinsale look like she does not want to be there. It's understandable for two reasons: the first being that she's done more than two dozen films, and therefore has no reason whatsoever to have to "pay dues" anymore in showing her flesh. Also, the scene shows her entering her room and slowly taking off everything: gloves, scarf, hat, sweater, shirt, pants...ending with a nice close-up of her chiseled buns as she bends over in a way in which no one stretches when turning on a shower. It's a humiliating scene, used just to get to show her in the steamed glass shower, washing up before the character of Doc(Tom Skerritt...poor Tom Skerritt) comes to talk to her, and the story truly begins. This scene is more overtly gratuitious than the infamous underwear shot of Odette Yustman in The Unborn...and that was one hell of a gratuitous shot. Some may hail Beckinsale as a good actress(not me in particular), but from the second she walks in her room and starts to undress, you can tell by her face that she's not happy to be doing this, and who can blame her? Cate Blanchett couldn't sell a scene like that!
Once Sena finishes humiliating Beckinsale, it's soon discovered that a body has been found somewhere on the ice, with no protective clothes or gear, far from any bases. Upon identifying the corpse as a team member from a nearby Russian base, it's Carrie's job as the only law present, to find out why he was murdered. This leads to an attack by an unknown assailant, who follows her and newfound ally United Nations special agent Robert Pryce back to her own base, hellbent on retrieving missing canisters containing an unknown treasure inside. Agent Pryce is played by Gabriel Macht, the lead in last year's infamous The Spirit. In this film, Macht has some facial scruff, presumably to disguise himself so that no future casting agents will recognize his association with that abomination...yet his hideously bad acting gives him away instantly.
There are chases in the snow, a ridiculously laughable fight scene in the snow, numerous murders and assaults, false suspicions, and of course the true mastermind behind all this can be spotted about five minutes into the film. And when the much talked-about whiteout finally does occur(in this case, described as a white blanketing condition so severe that a person can't see six inches in front of them), it arrives with NONE of the fury with which the audience has been led to expect. About the only good thing that can be said about Whiteout the film--aside from Beckinsale's gratuitious shame shot--is that one nifty unexpected thing happens to her character, which usually would not happen to the heroine of a film.
Unfortunately, Beckinsale's admittedly spectacular buns aside, neither they nor the one cool surprise for her character are enough to save this unsalvageable mess of a movie. Save your money, save your time, save yourself... duck out on this Whiteout.
BLACKLIST THIS WHITEOUT
BLACKLIST THIS
Blustery crap: If only I could whiteout my memories of this film.
You see how gratuitous this shot is? I mean, really.
Beckinsale: "Hey, weren't you in that piece of crap, The Spirit--"
Macht: "No, I wasn't."
Beckinsale: "But I could swear you were in--"
Macht: "No, I WASN'T!!"
One of the top 10 most ridiculous fight scenes ever. EVER!
"I know, Rhona, I know...I used to be a serious actor, too...!"
"I'm KATE!!"
"Just gimme one sec, 'mystery' villain...I'm trying to see if that bastard Sena hid the real script around here somewhere!"
